Hodgkins Lymphoma

We saw the oncologist today and MIL has been diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma. The doctor was wonderful. Very compassionate and very good at helping us to understand what we are dealing with. He explained that in a younger, stronger person, this type of cancer is highly treatable and curable. Unfortunately, given my mother-in-laws age and physical condition he does not feel that she could handle the months of chemotherapy that would be required. We agree and don't feel that it is necessary to put her through that. It comes down to quality of life over quantity.

She said she felt like she knew it was coming. My father-in-law, on the other hand is playing his same tune. If you eat enough, if you have a positive attitude, you can overcome anything. His determination is amazing! He has these feelings and his feeling is telling him she is going to be ok. So who am I to tell him that she isn't?

On the other hand, I get the feeling from my MIL that she really is trying to process this whole thing. I think she wants to go through the emotions of it. And he keeps shutting her down. So we are back to that conundrum. Who's rights or wishes are more important?

When my mother was sick, there were a lot of times that I wanted to ask her to go to Roswell Cancer Institute. I mean if you are lucky enough to live in a city that has one of the top cancer hospitals in the country, why would you go anywhere else? But she chose not to. She wanted to stick with the medical group she knew and was comfortable with. And she died.
Now, do I think that if she had gone to Roswell, she wouldn't have died? Of course not. Small cell lung cancer is fatal. Period.
But I wonder if it would have bought her more time. I wonder how things would have been different if I had spoken up and asked her more questions or talked more openly about what she was going through. But in the end, it was her choice.

When my brother in law was in hospice in Las Vegas, my husband was the only one to be there with him. He forbid his parents from coming out. They wanted to, but didn't because my husband told them not to. He felt his brothers wishes were more important. His brother was basically non-responsive and probably wouldn't have even known they were there. My husband said it would have been too hard on them to see him like that. But he was their son. Didn't they have a right to see him like that? And I don't buy the "I want them to remember him when he was healthy" statement. The memories I have of my mother, or my grandmother, or my brother in law are memories from a whole bunch of different times with that person. They are not only of the last time I saw them. So should they have gone? Should they have been allowed to see him and grieve over him and do whatever parents do when they are faced with the death of one of their children, even when that child is 50?
Who's wishes take precedence?

I think that we are in for a bumpy ride as we progress through this disease with my MIL. Mostly with how my FIL deals with it. I hope that she will be able to come to terms with it. To grieve her loss. To talk about it and cry about it, without being made to feel like she is giving up. And I hope my FIL can come to terms with it as well. Sixty one years is a long time to share your life with someone else.