So. We had a meeting with a Hospice coordinator today. What a wonderful woman. It truly takes someone special to be involved in the process of dying. She went through everything that Hospice can do for my MIL. She took her time explaining everything to us. My FIL had a hard time hearing (what else is new) but once he put a new battery in his hearing aid, he could follow along with the conversation.
When we reached the part of the conversation that had to do with end of life wishes, the dreaded DNR came up. My MIL said she didn't want to be hooked up to any machines. My FIL agreed! That is the first time I have ever heard him talk about such things!
I think the feeling that I came away with was one of relief. Someone was here to help. It has been a strange thing to see. We put the word out to family and friends after we got the diagnosis and there have been no visitors since! I know people are busy and have lives of their own. But here is this poor, little woman. Sitting at home, day after day. And none of her friends or family have come to see her. Now to be fair, they both have outlived a lot of their friends. But still it is sad. I hope that with the help of Hospice and the visiting Angel woman, they will have some company.
Again, we are faced with the ending of a persons life and yet the dull, dreary daily routine of life keeps chugging along. Groceries have to be purchased and laundry needs to be done. Pills have to be refilled and sheets changed. Maybe it is the repetition of these seemingly meaningless tasks that actually keep us on track. The familiarity of daily life and its routine keeps us moving forward. Every day, moving forward. And little by little we move past the hardship or the hurt or loss that is in the now. Here's hoping that there is some happiness and peace in the future.
Showing posts with label hospice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hospice. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Hodgkins Lymphoma
We saw the oncologist today and MIL has been diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma. The doctor was wonderful. Very compassionate and very good at helping us to understand what we are dealing with. He explained that in a younger, stronger person, this type of cancer is highly treatable and curable. Unfortunately, given my mother-in-laws age and physical condition he does not feel that she could handle the months of chemotherapy that would be required. We agree and don't feel that it is necessary to put her through that. It comes down to quality of life over quantity.
She said she felt like she knew it was coming. My father-in-law, on the other hand is playing his same tune. If you eat enough, if you have a positive attitude, you can overcome anything. His determination is amazing! He has these feelings and his feeling is telling him she is going to be ok. So who am I to tell him that she isn't?
On the other hand, I get the feeling from my MIL that she really is trying to process this whole thing. I think she wants to go through the emotions of it. And he keeps shutting her down. So we are back to that conundrum. Who's rights or wishes are more important?
When my mother was sick, there were a lot of times that I wanted to ask her to go to Roswell Cancer Institute. I mean if you are lucky enough to live in a city that has one of the top cancer hospitals in the country, why would you go anywhere else? But she chose not to. She wanted to stick with the medical group she knew and was comfortable with. And she died.
Now, do I think that if she had gone to Roswell, she wouldn't have died? Of course not. Small cell lung cancer is fatal. Period.
But I wonder if it would have bought her more time. I wonder how things would have been different if I had spoken up and asked her more questions or talked more openly about what she was going through. But in the end, it was her choice.
When my brother in law was in hospice in Las Vegas, my husband was the only one to be there with him. He forbid his parents from coming out. They wanted to, but didn't because my husband told them not to. He felt his brothers wishes were more important. His brother was basically non-responsive and probably wouldn't have even known they were there. My husband said it would have been too hard on them to see him like that. But he was their son. Didn't they have a right to see him like that? And I don't buy the "I want them to remember him when he was healthy" statement. The memories I have of my mother, or my grandmother, or my brother in law are memories from a whole bunch of different times with that person. They are not only of the last time I saw them. So should they have gone? Should they have been allowed to see him and grieve over him and do whatever parents do when they are faced with the death of one of their children, even when that child is 50?
Who's wishes take precedence?
I think that we are in for a bumpy ride as we progress through this disease with my MIL. Mostly with how my FIL deals with it. I hope that she will be able to come to terms with it. To grieve her loss. To talk about it and cry about it, without being made to feel like she is giving up. And I hope my FIL can come to terms with it as well. Sixty one years is a long time to share your life with someone else.
She said she felt like she knew it was coming. My father-in-law, on the other hand is playing his same tune. If you eat enough, if you have a positive attitude, you can overcome anything. His determination is amazing! He has these feelings and his feeling is telling him she is going to be ok. So who am I to tell him that she isn't?
On the other hand, I get the feeling from my MIL that she really is trying to process this whole thing. I think she wants to go through the emotions of it. And he keeps shutting her down. So we are back to that conundrum. Who's rights or wishes are more important?
When my mother was sick, there were a lot of times that I wanted to ask her to go to Roswell Cancer Institute. I mean if you are lucky enough to live in a city that has one of the top cancer hospitals in the country, why would you go anywhere else? But she chose not to. She wanted to stick with the medical group she knew and was comfortable with. And she died.
Now, do I think that if she had gone to Roswell, she wouldn't have died? Of course not. Small cell lung cancer is fatal. Period.
But I wonder if it would have bought her more time. I wonder how things would have been different if I had spoken up and asked her more questions or talked more openly about what she was going through. But in the end, it was her choice.
When my brother in law was in hospice in Las Vegas, my husband was the only one to be there with him. He forbid his parents from coming out. They wanted to, but didn't because my husband told them not to. He felt his brothers wishes were more important. His brother was basically non-responsive and probably wouldn't have even known they were there. My husband said it would have been too hard on them to see him like that. But he was their son. Didn't they have a right to see him like that? And I don't buy the "I want them to remember him when he was healthy" statement. The memories I have of my mother, or my grandmother, or my brother in law are memories from a whole bunch of different times with that person. They are not only of the last time I saw them. So should they have gone? Should they have been allowed to see him and grieve over him and do whatever parents do when they are faced with the death of one of their children, even when that child is 50?
Who's wishes take precedence?
I think that we are in for a bumpy ride as we progress through this disease with my MIL. Mostly with how my FIL deals with it. I hope that she will be able to come to terms with it. To grieve her loss. To talk about it and cry about it, without being made to feel like she is giving up. And I hope my FIL can come to terms with it as well. Sixty one years is a long time to share your life with someone else.
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